Everything, that we know and understand today, is involved in a type of a vicious circle.
This phrase "vicious circle", I read it in an Ogden Nash poem. It was not used to define "depth". Rather, it was used to juxtapose one situation to another. Why am I using this here? Because at this moment I am sad and ecstatic at the same time.
It is very rare for somebody like me to meet people of my own insanity levels. But yes, I do meet people with varying levels of insanity. Some of them, more insane than me, while some still try to prove their sanity. I can claim that, I have met very few such unique personalities and I know that they are as impossibly insane as I am because I hit it off with them right away. ;)Honestly speaking, all through my academic life, I have had numerous friends, but very few "friends". These few, have been able to stick to me and I have been lucky enough to be a part of their lives for so long. Sometimes I even think to myself that, "How can a complete stranger understand me so well?"... It seems it is all very much possible, you know, stuff like miracle and magic. For me it is quite real.
I was talking about the "vicious circle" of my life. The only consitent circle of my life has been, my constant on and off friendships. I confess today, that I'm a complete loser when it comes to maintaining a relationship as beautiful as friendship. And I think I should not expect any amnesty from those friends of mine, who have tried their best to stick to me, but I have only shrugged them off. No. Please do not take me as an insensitive fool. The only problem with me was, I never knew just how much emotions are enough for something as brittle as friendship. I have always either given too much or too less. But I am learning. And I have learnt a great lot. About controlling my love and affection from flowing freely. It tends to scare people at times. I never knew this, until the time some people just promptly disappeared from my life :D. Now I try to keep my feelings to myself and have succeeded in saving some of the nicest people I know as my friends. I think this is an achievement. :))
I recently shifted to this new place, where I am sharing this apartment with 4 more girls. I used to be terrified at the thought of sharing my space. And I had no idea that it is this easy. Honestly, shifting here was a desperate decision, but as usual my decisions in the moments of desperado always end up being the best ones ;). Here I met 4 girls. With almost the same levels of insanity as me. The rest was very easy and smooth, till now at least.
My roomies, have become my family here. Everyday after work, I used to avoid coming back home, delay it as much as possible. But now it is different. I long to come back home. Cook dinner. And have it with my roomies. And the last 4 months have been one the most cherishable and memorable times of my life. I had never thought that I would meet such wonderful people, who would make life a lot simpler. And now as the time nears to the end of my tenure in this apartment as a tenant, I become nostalgic. About the times we laughed and cried together. About the times we laughed so hard (at 1 am) that our neighbours had to request us to keep or volumes down. When they danced and I recorded. When we talked and talked and talked for 3 hours, 4 hours at a stretch at night, and realised that we have to get to office the next day. When we shared our food with qualms whatsoever. When we hug eachother for no reason at all. When we shout and scream and dance and celebrate. When we become just "girls" gossiping the night away (only when it is a friday night ;))... I would miss all this and a lot more.
Saying goodbyes, has been my greatest agony. I have never been able to get over it. So each day I rehearse my goodbye speech in front of the mirror. It would be a heart wrenching moment. But yes, this is the "vicious circle" of life. Where I've always had to bid adieu to the people I loved. And this is the "vicious circle" that I am so afraid off. I just hope I can cope up with all of this. Okay now it is 2 AM and finally I am tired enough to get some sleep :), wish me Luck......
Friday, July 2, 2010
Childhood...
I read this somewhere...
Childhood is a kingdom, where nobody dies...
This is the most beautiful one line definition of Childhood I have ever come across yet.
I have my own definition also. But I guess, I can't contain it in one line. For me my childhood has never actually ceased. It still lives inside me, i.e., the child in me. :) And for some reason, when somebody tells me, "SHRUTI!!! GROW UP!!" I feel proud of myself.
During my day dreaming sequences, I mostly reach the lane and the park in front of my house in Delhi, where I've spent most of my childhood. The games, the frolic and the exuberance of childhood. I miss all that and lot more. I miss the times that were just careless and irresponsible. Wandering in the scorching heat of Delhi summer, with no care in the world of what we would become in future. Playing self made games, with self defined rules. Fighting for the reasons that we won't remember. I miss the times, when we were not distinguished on the basis of our sexes in the games that we played. Indoor games, Outdoor games. I've had my share of adventures. I would be sharing one of them here, this memory has always remained very vivid.
It was one of the very hot days in summer and as usual we, being the naughtiest lots in our area, were upto some mischief. We (a group of 5 miscreants), had gathered at the rooftop of one of our friends' house and decided that we should serve the society and would organize a bhandara (free food distribution) for some poor kids. We arranged 4 bricks in the form of a makeshift stove (chullah in hindi), put some garbage like old newpapers and dried leaves and sticks (as there was no coal available) to burn a fire strong enough to cook some potatoes. By the time we got the "fir" burning bright enough, it was past our lunch time (and ofcourse our guests had fled for the fear of getting burnt in this process). Our moms were looking for us. When my mom found me she had that special look on her face that I used to be terrified of at that time. As I was the eldest of the lot, I was automatically expected to be more responsible and keep an eye on the young ones. But, since this idea was the creation of my own kind (and twisted) mind ;), I was also the one who recieved the maximum punishment. My mom gave me her famous pinch, that made my head swirl for 5 seconds. Hehe... But the food did not go wasted. As we were very hungry by the time we were found, my mom cooked the potatoes and served it with some puri. And I ate with content, mainly because I was eating from my mom's hand (as I was still hurt from the pinch ;)), also because at least some hungry stomachs were fed and also because nobody was hurt. Ofcourse the rooftop, where we had gathered, was swirming with newspapers, leaves and their burnt remains. :P
I learnt a lot that day. One, that I was not supposed to put my friends' lives in danger. Two, my mom always finds my whereabouts, no matter where I hid. Three, cooking is not a child's play. And finally Four, that it takes time to understand the real meaning of charity. And I have understood now, after all these years, and the day when I can muster up enough courage, I shall definitely grow out of the small charities of giving used clothes, to something bigger, something better, like education. And by the way things are moving, I don't think I would have to wait for a long time. :)
Childhood is a kingdom, where nobody dies...
This is the most beautiful one line definition of Childhood I have ever come across yet.
I have my own definition also. But I guess, I can't contain it in one line. For me my childhood has never actually ceased. It still lives inside me, i.e., the child in me. :) And for some reason, when somebody tells me, "SHRUTI!!! GROW UP!!" I feel proud of myself.
During my day dreaming sequences, I mostly reach the lane and the park in front of my house in Delhi, where I've spent most of my childhood. The games, the frolic and the exuberance of childhood. I miss all that and lot more. I miss the times that were just careless and irresponsible. Wandering in the scorching heat of Delhi summer, with no care in the world of what we would become in future. Playing self made games, with self defined rules. Fighting for the reasons that we won't remember. I miss the times, when we were not distinguished on the basis of our sexes in the games that we played. Indoor games, Outdoor games. I've had my share of adventures. I would be sharing one of them here, this memory has always remained very vivid.
It was one of the very hot days in summer and as usual we, being the naughtiest lots in our area, were upto some mischief. We (a group of 5 miscreants), had gathered at the rooftop of one of our friends' house and decided that we should serve the society and would organize a bhandara (free food distribution) for some poor kids. We arranged 4 bricks in the form of a makeshift stove (chullah in hindi), put some garbage like old newpapers and dried leaves and sticks (as there was no coal available) to burn a fire strong enough to cook some potatoes. By the time we got the "fir" burning bright enough, it was past our lunch time (and ofcourse our guests had fled for the fear of getting burnt in this process). Our moms were looking for us. When my mom found me she had that special look on her face that I used to be terrified of at that time. As I was the eldest of the lot, I was automatically expected to be more responsible and keep an eye on the young ones. But, since this idea was the creation of my own kind (and twisted) mind ;), I was also the one who recieved the maximum punishment. My mom gave me her famous pinch, that made my head swirl for 5 seconds. Hehe... But the food did not go wasted. As we were very hungry by the time we were found, my mom cooked the potatoes and served it with some puri. And I ate with content, mainly because I was eating from my mom's hand (as I was still hurt from the pinch ;)), also because at least some hungry stomachs were fed and also because nobody was hurt. Ofcourse the rooftop, where we had gathered, was swirming with newspapers, leaves and their burnt remains. :P
I learnt a lot that day. One, that I was not supposed to put my friends' lives in danger. Two, my mom always finds my whereabouts, no matter where I hid. Three, cooking is not a child's play. And finally Four, that it takes time to understand the real meaning of charity. And I have understood now, after all these years, and the day when I can muster up enough courage, I shall definitely grow out of the small charities of giving used clothes, to something bigger, something better, like education. And by the way things are moving, I don't think I would have to wait for a long time. :)
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