Of siblings and their rivalries...

For years I have been trying to solve this mystery... I have been a victim of this so-called rivalry instigated by outer "agents" for years... It has affected me deeply, so much so that when I hear somebody tell me that they love their brother or sister without any questions asked or that they never used to have fights, in short that they have had peaceful relationships with their siblings, I say (and I quote) "Bwahahaha!! What a load of beeeeep!!" :P ... Seriously, I personally think having a completely peaceful relationship with ones own siblings is a rarest of rare occurrence. (No offence to anyone)

When we were young, me and my sister were pitted against each other, in almost every aspect of our lives. Some used to think that she was cuter/prettier than me, some would think she was better at sports than me (which was very true), some would say that she was better at extra curricular activities (which she was) etc... The list was endless. And honestly, I never had any problems with what people 'thought', but when they used to discuss these things in front of me, you know, it would break my heart. What these people did not realize was that, even though I was the older one (older by an year and 8 months), I was still a child. These were trivial stuff but for a child, these little things do matter. It dented my relationship with my sister for a long time. I suffered from low self-esteem. I used to feel so guilty all the time for being jealous of my sister. I used to blame myself for all that I was feeling against her and I used to think that I was the only elder sister in this whole world who had problems with her younger sister. This continued until one day when I stumbled upon a debate on this very topic on the television... It was hosted by our current Minister of Education, Mrs. Smriti Irani. They had invited this scholarly girl from one of Delhi's best schools to speak on this topic. What had started off as an innocent debate turned into this verbal explosion of all the built up frustration in that poor girl, I remember clearly how she viciously attacked her younger sister, proclaimed that her parents do not understand her and broke down in front of the audience. Mrs. Irani had to console her later. That day I understood one thing that I never hated my sister, infact I loved her a lot (and I still do), and all of my issues seemed really small. And I decided that I should grow up and stop being such a baby!! Trust me after I decided that, the people-talk started sounding like nonsense to me.

Very recently I came across an article about healthy and unhealthy sibling rivalry. It said that while it is important to instill a sense of healthy competition between siblings, it is also extremely vital to know the boundary between healthy and unhealthy competition. As parents we have to make sure that our children do not give importance to what others around them say about them, we should inculcate in them a sense of responsibility towards each other without being condescending towards one particular sibling and should never extol the achievements of one sibling in front of the other.

As children are so impressionable at any age, the stuff that we say in front of them makes a hell of a difference in their lives, while it might make great personalities out of timid ones, it can completely shrink a budding bundle of confidence. It is not necessary that every child out there has the strength to stand up for herself/himself, and it is not just a parent's responsibility to mold a child into an independent and confident individual. We, as a society are also obligated towards this great task, as not only are we bringing up every child around us, we are shaping our own futures through them. In short, it doesn't matter that if you have children or not, you are still a part of bringing up of every child around you. :)

Photography: My beginning

During a photography workshop that I attended recently we were asked about how we started out taking pictures... What motivated us? Everybody came up with their own stories and this was mine.

While growing up I used to think that I was not as creatively blessed as my peers and my sister. I remember how whenever given a pencil and a paper I would end up making two mountains, a river flowing through them, and the sun rising/setting in between. Meanwhile my best friend could sketch almost anything, such was her imagination. And my sister? Whoaa!! She was and is a genius when it comes to sketching/painting... She does oil paintings, glass paintings, faded sketching, fabric painting... Pheww!!And it would be hard for me to even hold the brush straight. Growing up, I always thought that I had no creativity, no imagination... Until I got my first camera phone! :) It was Moto Razr with a 2 MGP camera, but the inspiration had still not hit me. It did hit me and since then I look at things more through the view finder of my camera than my eyes. :P

I still remember the date. It was August 5th 2007, friendship's day, the day when my love story began with my city, Bombay. 

I moved to Bombay in June and shifted into a shared accommodation in Thane in July. I was miserable and home sick. The only places I knew was my office and my apartment. And to top my miseries it started raining in Bombay in late July. Although I enjoyed the first few days of the rains, it soon became a nuisance. I lost 3 umbrellas in a span of one month, the numerous wet laundry, unavailability of auto-rickshaws when needed the most, my perpetually wet sandals... etc. etc. In that one month I got so fed up that I planned going to back to Delhi for good by the end of that year. But then 5th August happened. 

My friends asked me to go with them to Bandra and I agreed only reluctantly because it was about to rain and I didn't want get stuck in any unknown area. I am not sure how things are now at the Bandra fort, but at that time it was open and people would throng that place to see the beauty of the Ocean. We went to the beach and walked all the way from Mannat (Shahrukh Khan's bungalow) to the fort. It was a windy day and rains were approaching. For a girl born and brought up in Delhi, this kind of scenario is irresistibly romantic and fantastic. I was immediately taken by the beauty in the enormity of the ocean, the humongous waves, the sweet scent of the approaching rains. It was all overwhelming. Then we reached the fort. I was and am still afraid of heights, but that day I climbed up to the top of the fort. It was just ocean until where I could see, we were surrounded by it. The waves were beating around the walls of the fort as if an angry beast was trying to knock it down. I saw beauty that day, unparalleled, inexplicable. Beyond words. That day I found inspiration to freeze that moment in time and in memory, so that I never forget that I was there. I was motivated to finally take out my phone camera and take pictures. :) And from that moment on I have been lucky enough to find such inspirations in almost everything, every person around me.

For me photography has been a way of expressing my own type of creativity. When I started taking pictures I started off with a 2 MGP phone camera then progressed to a 5 MGP phone camera, then came my Sony cybershot & then 12 MGP Fujifilm and now very recently Canon 650D. So, in the beginning I had to kind of start learning about post processing softwares and using them because a lot of times the pictures would come out a little below my expectations and these softwares would help me reach the favorable results. I still use these softwares as I can put a fun spin on my pictures. :)

According to me, to be a good photographer a person should be capable of seeing and appreciating the beauty in the most ordinary things around them before they even start holding a camera. Also, photography for me is one of the most selfless professions. Trust me it takes a lot to stay behind the camera when the rest of your family is posing in front of it. Moreover when people complain about and criticize your picture you have to maintain your calm. And when people share around the pictures you have taken by spending so much time and effort, without even giving proper credits, you feel all the more frustrated. So, yes it is not everybody's cup of tea. I believe and I know that not everyone can master this art. It needs a lot of time and patience. And I know I have a long way to go and that I am an amateur.

Since I started taking pictures I have observed that the following qualities are essential for anybody to become a good photographer:

 - passion about the art not just the craft
 - a lot of research, a lot of reading, a lot of practice

 - motivation and drive to go through anything to get that one great shot

 - dedication and a lot of commitment towards the art

 - patience, a lot of it!!

 - selflessness and absolutely no ego

 - most importantly, you need the eye, to see and reflexes to freeze :)

I think the following quote by Ansel Adams says it all for me:

“A great photograph is a full expression of what one feels about what is being photographed in the deepest sense and is thereby a true expression of what one feels about life in its entirety.” 

The eyes that haunt me...

I have this habit of analyzing everything and every person around me. This habit has got me into trouble multiple times and has sometimes got me out of them too. It is a part of my character, my personality, so I can't help but live with it. This bit that I am going to share is from a memory that still haunts me even after almost 12 years... I am sure that I over analyzed this situation too and created a story by myself around this one character that I saw for merely 10 minutes. Yet unfortunately I know it must have been true.

In 2002 I had just finished school and was studying to take engineering entrance examinations. I had joined this study institute in south-west Delhi, and I used to take a DTC bus every day to get there. 

One of these days, I took a bus to go to my classes. I still remember I used to pay a mere Rs. 2 to get to my bus stop. It was a short ride, but I had just started taking the bus alone and by myself so I used to enjoy every moment of it. On this day, I was sitting right near the exit door of the bus so that I could get down as soon as my stop came. I saw this little boy climbing on to the bus. He must have been be around 7 or 8 years old, in a blue shirt and grey shorts, of fair complexion, a handsome diamond shaped face, with beautiful milky grey eyes. When I first saw him I expected a parent or a guardian or somebody older to him to have accompanied him on to the bus because you never expect such a small kid to ride a bus alone. Then I started paying attention to his complete appearance. The shirt and shorts were dirty, he had no shoes on and was smelling of urine. He stood near the door for a minute and then started to make his way through the bus, asking for alms. Some people gave him a rupee, some people avoided eye contact, some shooed him away, but he relentlessly asked each and every person and then went back to the door of the bus. He stood there holding onto the pole, looking at the passengers, through his transparent, beautiful grey eyes, full of cynicism instead of innocence, full of ridicule instead of playfulness, full of a cold stone like quality instead of the warmth of a childhood. 

He got off the bus when it slowed down at a traffic signal. I just sat there, stunned by the horrific reality of that sight. I was 17 years old. I had just finished school. My life and my world until that point in time revolved mostly around my school, my family and my home. I used to have problems related to my studies, my friends or my family or my teachers. That day, in those few minutes I realized that I had just seen something that was beyond anything I might have gone through personally.

A little boy who must have been from a good family, pampered by his parents, grandparents, uncles and aunts. A little boy who probably must have been on a vacation, or playing in a playground with his little friends, or coming back or going to school. A little boy who must have had a good future to look forward to. This little boy, who must have been snatched away from his family, his friends, his future, his childhood. This little boy who must have been lost and scared for such a long time, must have looked for his parents in so many buses he must have boarded, must have asked strangers if they knew his parents. This little boy who was abandoned by the society, today had abandoned the society itself. This little boy had given up the hope to ever find the ones who had once fed him, bathed him, sung lullaby to him, protected him. 

I still remember him because after that one day, I saw him everywhere, at the traffic signals, on buses and trains. The numerous children that I would see, begging for alms, touching feet of strangers, sometimes carrying infants, I would worry for them at night, not being able to go to sleep. The guilt of not being to help them in any way weighing down on me. But I am stuck in my own troubles, my own miseries. How will I ever be able to do anything to end this plague? That day I saw him alight from the bus and walk away, disappearing into the crowd. But I never forgot those eyes. I will never forget that boy. And he will forever haunt me.

 Note: According to a shocking data published by the UN office on drugs and crimes (UNODC) on human trafficking, the most common form of human trafficking (79%) is sexual exploitation. 

The second most common form of human trafficking is forced labour (18%), although this may be a misrepresentation because forced labour is less frequently detected and reported than trafficking for sexual exploitation.

Worldwide, almost 20% of all trafficking victims are children. However, in some parts of Africa and the Mekong region, children are the majority (up to 100% in parts of West Africa). 

While the above was a Global report, according to Wikipedia there is no reliable way of specifying these numbers in India. But according to some NGO's around 20 million to 65 million people in our country are effected by flesh trade. According to CRY 11.8% children in India are engaged in some form of child labour (National Family Health Survey III - NFHS).

The thing about having the right looks...

When I got engaged in 2009 I posted the picture of me and Ramakrishna on Orkut, I remember being so happy for us, after all it was a big deal as we had never thought we would get our parents' approval let alone getting engaged :P... People congratulated me, it seemed that my friends were happy for me... :) But I distinctly remember one of my "friends" commenting on the picture, "YOU also got engaged???!!!! :O "... When I think of that now I feel like laughing out loud, but at that time that comment hurt me a lot, I don't know why, but it did... It was as if this person didn't think that I was worthy of getting engaged, or falling in love, or finding love for that matter... Thinking back, maybe it has something to do with me not having the "right looks" while I was growing up...

My childhood was according to me the best one a girl could ask for... I had and have an extremely supportive family... I can say that I was quite free to be who I wanted to be... So I was this tomboy who almost never gave a damn about what anybody would say about her... But I would be lying if I said that it never bothered me when people made fun of me for the way I looked... The comments would be mostly about my weight, like, a playful "fatso!! or moti!!" to "If you lose weight I would marry you!!" to "Oh my god!! How much do you weigh??", then about my eyebrows, like, "you look like Changez Khan!!", or my nose like "You have a flat nose!!" or "Your nose looks like a pakoda!! or a samosa!!" Lol... Once a close friend of my parents' told me (when I was 17 years old) that I looked as old as my father's sister not at all like his daughter and if I did not pay attention to my looks I would not get a decent groom... The list goes on, and whatever I do I could never forget these remarks/suggestions and advises/taunts... In a way even after having the coolest parents, I had a hard time growing up... But the fun part about having a family such as mine was that I always knew that they had my back, that they loved me no matter what and I didn't need to prove anything to the rest of the world...

So when I set out in pursuit of true love, I knew what I was looking for... I had promised myself that I will not change myself for an unworthy, undeserving guy... If I ever fall in love it will be with someone who appreciates me for the person I am, who doesn't tell me to dress up for him, who doesn't ask me to change my ways... It all sounds pretty idealistic but it is true and I think I am one of the lucky few who found exactly the person she was looking for... I was never a fan of the literary and fantastical love at first sight scenario, how can I be, when all my life I have been told that I don't score enough in the "right looks" department... So it was not a "love-at-first-sight" for us, it was more of a "love-at-a-gradual-pace" for us... :P and for that one thing I am grateful to god...

Now when I look back to all that has been said and done and to the person that I am now, I do not regret anything... Really!! All those taunts and friendly or unfriendly remarks, taught me to rebel and made me the person I am today... And to tell you the truth, even though I did care a little then, I certainly don't care now and I definitely won't care in the future... I think its all because I was blessed to have the kind of family that I had and have... :)

Recently I was going through an article that explained how children have body image issues from an age as early as 6 years... It was heartbreaking and that's what triggered me into writing this article... So to those people who have teen-aged girls and boys at home with body image issues, I would just say what my mother said to me when I was 14 years old, "At this age you would get attracted to the opposite sex for all the wrong reasons, but it will take you a long time to find that one person who would be attracted to all the right reasons in you!! It is important to know who you are and what your priorities are and sticking to them, no matter what!! It is important that you know that the right person will never ask you to change yourselves for them... :) "

I think what I am trying to imply is that it is essential that we support our children in every way possible, to let them know that they are worthy of love, no matter how they look, or what they wear, or how they speak, or how they walk... It is important that they know that we've got their back... :) To let them know that there are no "right or wrong looks", there are just people, while some are right... Some others maybe wrong... But we should never judge them based on their "looks"... :)