The vicious circle...

Everything, that we know and understand today, is involved in a type of a vicious circle.
This phrase "vicious circle", I read it in an Ogden Nash poem. It was not used to define "depth". Rather, it was used to juxtapose one situation to another. Why am I using this here? Because at this moment I am sad and ecstatic at the same time.

It is very rare for somebody like me to meet people of my own insanity levels. But yes, I do meet people with varying levels of insanity. Some of them, more insane than me, while some still try to prove their sanity. I can claim that, I have met very few such unique personalities and I know that they are as impossibly insane as I am because I hit it off with them right away. ;)Honestly speaking, all through my academic life, I have had numerous friends, but very few "friends". These few, have been able to stick to me and I have been lucky enough to be a part of their lives for so long. Sometimes I even think to myself that, "How can a complete stranger understand me so well?"... It seems it is all very much possible, you know, stuff like miracle and magic. For me it is quite real.

I was talking about the "vicious circle" of my life. The only consitent circle of my life has been, my constant on and off friendships. I confess today, that I'm a complete loser when it comes to maintaining a relationship as beautiful as friendship. And I think I should not expect any amnesty from those friends of mine, who have tried their best to stick to me, but I have only shrugged them off. No. Please do not take me as an insensitive fool. The only problem with me was, I never knew just how much emotions are enough for something as brittle as friendship. I have always either given too much or too less. But I am learning. And I have learnt a great lot. About controlling my love and affection from flowing freely. It tends to scare people at times. I never knew this, until the time some people just promptly disappeared from my life :D. Now I try to keep my feelings to myself and have succeeded in saving some of the nicest people I know as my friends. I think this is an achievement. :))

I recently shifted to this new place, where I am sharing this apartment with 4 more girls. I used to be terrified at the thought of sharing my space. And I had no idea that it is this easy. Honestly, shifting here was a desperate decision, but as usual my decisions in the moments of desperado always end up being the best ones ;). Here I met 4 girls. With almost the same levels of insanity as me. The rest was very easy and smooth, till now at least.

My roomies, have become my family here. Everyday after work, I used to avoid coming back home, delay it as much as possible. But now it is different. I long to come back home. Cook dinner. And have it with my roomies. And the last 4 months have been one the most cherishable and memorable times of my life. I had never thought that I would meet such wonderful people, who would make life a lot simpler. And now as the time nears to the end of my tenure in this apartment as a tenant, I become nostalgic. About the times we laughed and cried together. About the times we laughed so hard (at 1 am) that our neighbours had to request us to keep or volumes down. When they danced and I recorded. When we talked and talked and talked for 3 hours, 4 hours at a stretch at night, and realised that we have to get to office the next day. When we shared our food with qualms whatsoever. When we hug eachother for no reason at all. When we shout and scream and dance and celebrate. When we become just "girls" gossiping the night away (only when it is a friday night ;))... I would miss all this and a lot more.

Saying goodbyes, has been my greatest agony. I have never been able to get over it. So each day I rehearse my goodbye speech in front of the mirror. It would be a heart wrenching moment. But yes, this is the "vicious circle" of life. Where I've always had to bid adieu to the people I loved. And this is the "vicious circle" that I am so afraid off. I just hope I can cope up with all of this. Okay now it is 2 AM and finally I am tired enough to get some sleep :), wish me Luck......